Milestone

So when I started writing this, it's about 30 minutes before I turn 30. I used to think birthdays were unremarkable, not worth too much fuss or time. But my bud Karel figures it's one of the most worthy times to celebrate and tonight I realized he's right.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you actually glimpse the depth of what it means to live? It's like getting a sliver of what God sees. Like when you're able to imagine Heaven and actually SEE it, consider the mind-blowing intricacies of a human body, or understand and experience what love -true, selfless, intoxicating, fulfilling love -is actually like.

A birthday is an invitation to experience those sorts of thoughts. One day, 30 years ago, the most wonderful woman in the world gave birth to a squalling miracle of life. I couldn't feed, move or clean myself, yet now I do all that (with varying degrees of success :) and oh so much more. And that development has less to do with me and more to do with those around me.

A God who designed this miraculous body that grows, develops, changes, each cell with a purpose...simply because He said so.
A father who's given me balance, strength and true comradeship.
A mother who's bled love and devotion.
A sister who's inspired determination and my love of a cackle.

An extended family that's been a pillar of strength and support.

A friend, a Nubian king, whose deep thoughts and authentic heart propelled me to late hours and the dawn of my spiritual awakening.

A friend whose leap of faith hangs on my wall. He's felt the fear, did it anyway and inspired me to do the same.

A friend with his own country and a list of things to do before he dies.

A friend of true authenticity, who I call one of my closest, despite only several days spent in person.

A friend of astounding vocabulary, her stories having unparalleled hilarity and sublime, sardonic wit.

A friend who beckons to the great outdoors, lives and breathes the nature God's set before him.

A friend, a mentor, a man of artistic passion, zealous joyfulness and one with whom I experienced my greatest moment of happiness.

Friends that I've hurt, yet received forgiveness and wisdom.

A friend who showed what true love meant, and "laid down His life for [this friend]" that I may know Him now, and thank Him for eternity.

Truly...I am blessed.

Brothers

I had a spiritual retreat with these brothers of mine in Lethbridge last weekend. It wasn't planned, but then God's blessings are often surprises. And it was more than religious discussion. It was belly-aching laughter, hearty food, and the open, frank discussions of men. God nourishes us in many ways, and we were filled.
To my brothers Yual and Job, I say thank you. It seems that some of the people who most often strengthen you in life, often must leave you. But I believe it's so that they can bless others, and so that you can learn to move forward on your own. It's then we realize that distance can never erase the bonds of friendship.

Thankfulness . : . THE Reason

So it's taken me a month to come full circle since my last post. It's been a struggle to let God work in me. Yet today I had a breakthrough.

I've been convicted the last several weeks that my focus is off. I realized I didn't know Jesus. I know OF Him, but I've let my friendship with Him completely slide. And today, I got a greater glimpse of Him. Pray that it lasts!

Have you ever considered what it would have been like for Jesus to be born? Here's the Creator of all things, giving up an audience of angels, for a painful, bloody birth. Imagine all of those first experiences at birth. His first pain, His first chill, His first yell. The one that stuns me is His first smell.

Jesus was born in a barn, laid in a feeding trough. The King of Heaven volunteered to save our world, and his very first introduction to the earth...was the smell of animal feces. No parent on earth today would wish such a birth situation as that...but God chose it and it humbles me.

"The heart of the human father yearns over his son..he trembles at the thought life's peril. He longs to shield his dear one from Satan's power, to hold him back from temptation and conflict. Yet...yet...To meet a bitterer conflict and a more fearful risk, God gave his only begotten Son , so that the path of life may be made clear for OUR little ones".
~ Desire of Ages, p 48-9

I'm not a father, but I am a brother to a beautiful, wonderful sister. And I know what it means to pray and fear for her well-being in a world that's bent on the abuse of women in all forms. So when I consider what it meant for God to send His most precious child, to send Him to "meet life's peril in common with every human soul, to fight the battle as every child of humanity must fight it, at the risk of failure and eternal loss" (DA, 49)....I don't really know how to deal with that. The risk was huge, Christ could have failed, but the reward was worth the risk.

After reading this, I asked God for a simple principle that I could apply to remember this.
And the answer came quietly, but quickly - "Be thankful and receive".

So thank whomever deserves your thanks today, it's all you can do to repay them.

Struggle

Jeremiah 29:13 has new meaning for me.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

The last couple weeks have been a journey of struggle and discovery. Mostly discovering how good God is and how little I deserve it. But it's been that seeking "with all my heart" that's been the blessing. I've seen how dark my heart can be, how being a Christian most of your life enables you to think "you're all good". You're better than 95% of the world, abstaining from all sorts of bad stuff.

But it's the pride of the heart that kills. That's the root of everything. It brought down Lucifer and I've come face to face with it in my own heart. Somehow I thought I was a pretty good guy. But alot of that "good" was for selfish, "look at me" motives.

What a gift, to see my heart for what it truly is. Because here's the kicker...for the first time in my life, I've finally actually believed, TRULY believed, that I need a Savior. Ellen White talks about being able to see the "length of chain that was let down for us". When I finally saw the deep hole I was in, and finally saw my need, I've been able to receive the gift of hope. Because until I realized what I was missing, I couldn't receive what I needed.

So now I see differently. I see the greatest source of happiness -- purpose. Purpose to love and be loved by the Artist of All, to share that love in the unique way he's enabled me, and to see the potential for that love in every single solitary person. Praise God!

PDXtasy

Reunions are a wonderful thing. My good bud Todd finally got himself hitched to a ridiculously wonderful woman, Brenda. We're all college friends, so it was an awesome gathering of the clan in Portland, just down the Columbia River where we all met, Walla Walla College.

I was struck by many things during the trip. It's an amazing thing to behold the change that comes over your friends when they
plunge into the creation of life, God's stunning metaphor for love. The strength, the awe, the depth it brings them to...it's beautiful.

I was blessed to share the search for meaning and purpose with friends, many of whom are older than me, a gentle reminder that no one has it all figured out, but we're doing the best we can with God's guidance.

I was blessed by acquaintances who opened their home and their family to me, to become friends. These are people who appear incredibly nice, and you find out to your surprise, they're even nicer.

I was blessed by the joy of having no other purpose than to hang out and be comfortable with friends. No need to "catch up quick", just leisurely chatting, looking at wedding pictures, walking the dog.

I was blessed to laugh...alot.

I was blessed to smell the fresh, verdant Portland air.

I was blessed by a bite of coconut syrup on buttermilk pancakes.

...I was blessed to experience Jesus, his sacrifice, my unworthiness, in the most unlikeliest of places.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

It's the evening of Dec 24. It's been quite some time since I've written. Not because I haven't been blessed...rather, I've had difficulty seeing it. Tonight God gave me new eyes. I saw the rejuvenated, angelic smile of Grama Letniak, 24 hours after we rushed her to the hospital, fearing pneumonia or worse. Fear of losing her sweet soul was swept away today. For precious minutes, I basked in the light of love. There's an eagerness in her eyes, an urgency in her soft, wrinkled hands, reaching to touch and kiss me. And the smile...when her lips pull back, her teeth glow, I can feel love. It's like an unseen light, mystical and warm, latches onto my heart, pulsing truer and purer love than all the poets and musicians could ever convey.
It's the love of God.

I received another gift tonight. It too is warm, supple in love and mystical. It's a Steps to Christ, World War II Army & Navy edition, bound by staples and glue, covered in a velvety, leather-like paper they don't make anymore. It's the most perfectly created book I've ever held. Thin and soft, it begs to be held, opened and read. The yellowed pages flip effortlessly; it's like a book of formed air, transcendent love of a Savior pressed into soft pages.

I held it a month ago, when it was my Grampa Bell's. Today I held it a second time; and this time it's mine. This book that my Grampa carried from the beginning of his walk with Christ, through missions to the mountains of BC and the wilds of East Africa, to staff morning worship at Branson Hospital, till faithful, daily devotions before he rises each day...this book brings me the strength, warmth and love of a God that has shone through F. Lloyd Bell like a lighthouse of joy, not a rotating light with shafts of brilliance in darkness, but a beacon aglow in all directions, beckoning and embracing anyone who can see it.

It's Christmas day in 30 minutes, but I've already received my best presents.

Purpose

So I was reading about Creation today, trying to better understand why God would even bother to create us. Some say He's a tyrant who just wanted some pawns to play with, others say He didn't do it at all...and then there's what I believe.

Everyone who is called by My name,
Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him.
~Isaiah 43:7

This entire chapter is a very intimate portrayal of God's love for Israel and mankind. However, the phrase "for My glory" caught me off guard. Initially I thought, "Hmm, sounds like an artist who creates solely for accolades and compliments".
But in prayer, I thought about it more.

Why do we "glorify" anyone? If we uphold a politician, celebrity, writer, family member, friend...anyone up for glory, it's because they have enriched our lives or inspired us to reach beyond our present state. You may disagree on the value of their contribution, but the fundamental principle is that we admire what they've got and believe it could benefit us too.

So here's how I look at it. God knows all and is all. He understands the greatest joy and the most satisfying fulfillment. If you were in His position, would you keep that to yourself? If you have joy in your life, you can't help but share it. So that's what He did. He created a world of perfection, so that Adam and Eve might experience His joy with Him. So when He says that "I created for My glory", He's speaking of the inevitable thankfulness that anyone who experiences that same joy will "glorify" Him with. It's thankfulness for His risk, thankfulness for His generosity.

Does our current state negate what He did at Creation? Not in my mind. For we still have glimpses of the supreme joy that He promises. A baby's smile, true true true love, friends that stick closer than a brother, vistas that rob you of your breath...and ultimately we're promised the fullness of His joy in heaven.
I think God deserves a little glory for that.

artwork copyright Joe Tucciarone